The Secret Origins of Thanksgiving.

This man is unimportant and oblivious to
the truth behind Thanksgiving.

Guest Post by Anon Nemus:
I am posting on this nobody's blog because he is unimportant enough that the secret cabal of retailers that run this country won't assassinate him once the truth becomes known.

It is thought to be common knowledge that Black Friday came about because retailers realized that the day after Thanksgiving was the largest shopping day of the year because the American public realized that Thanksgiving immediately preceded Christmas and they needed to buy their Turboman dolls before their next door neighbors awoke out of their turkey-induced slumber and seduced their wives. The retailers proceeded to place amazing deals in front of shoppers and before you knew it, people began to stand in line outside of stores overnight, just to get their hands on what limited supplies of sharply discounted merchandise there were to be had. Thus began the holiday known as "Black Friday", ostensibly because the retailers would be able to get their sales "in the black" and make a profit, rather than "in the red" and lose money.



The truth is that while we were lead to believe that Thanksgiving preceded Black Friday, the origins of Black Friday far preceded the secret origins of Thanksgiving.

Black Friday in actuality began in the roaring 1920's when the first big department stores consolidated out of smaller department stores due to the influence of oil and steel magnates of the likes of Vanderbilt and Rockefeller. The Vanderbilt's and Rockefeller's of the department store industry were three men:  Rowland Hussey Macy, Richard Warren Sears and James Cash Penney whose legacies live on through their department stores: Macy's, Sears and JC Penney. Behind closed doors, the three of them decided that the 3rd Friday of November would be the greatest shopping day of all year, just in time for the holiday season. They would dramatically slash prices on things that no one would usually buy that had low invoice prices and high profit margins, sacrificing the large profit margin as a ploy to incite consumers to buy larger quantities of goods, thus making up in bulk sales what they had sacrificed in cutting down the profit margins of goods that weren't even selling in the first place.

The ploy worked. In the 1920's shoppers lined up outside of the major department stores in order to be the first shoppers to get deals before their fellow shoppers bought them first. In the 1930's shoppers began to get desperate as the Great Recession loomed, and many shoppers began to line up earlier and earlier making the lines longer and longer. The bitter cold combined with unprepared shoppers lead to many incidents involving shoppers freezing to death while waiting in line, in addition to death by stampeding shoppers, overexertion, and other causes still common today. Thus the friday once named the "Shopping Extravaganza of the Year" as coined by Macy, Sears and Penney became known by its contemporary name "Black Friday".

Out of the large number of deaths on Black Friday and unwillingness of shoppers to drop out of line for the comfort of hearth and home began a common occurrence of the homemaker of the house preparing a large dinner for the soon to be shoppers to fill themselves before braving the bitter cold of standing in line. As the death toll of Black Friday rose, the family would come together and say grace before eating as it was possible that it could be the last meal one would eat before dying a cold and miserable death by the elements or beneath the boots of charging shoppers. This family prayer became known as "Thanksgiving", as the religious authorities of the day believed that in order to die in grace, people must give thanks to the Lord for their time spent on the Earth before their deaths.

The tradition of Black Friday and Thanksgiving continued until the 1950's and 1960's when outcry against rampant consumerism spawned movements such as the beatniks, feminism, hippies, and the Beatles. Concerned about the moral direction of the country, the Right Wing Christian Fundamentalists of the country partnered with the major retailers in order to revamp Black Friday and Thanksgiving and remove the stigma surrounding both. The Right Wing Christian Fundamentalists wanted the American Public to move away from the hippie/beatnik movements and back toward the Protestant foundations of the United States. The major retailers, faced with declining numbers of shoppers on Black Friday, were worried that the stigma of Black Friday was hurting their bottom line.

Thus began the largest cover up in American history. The famous Terry Southern, known for writing the scripts of the movies Easy Rider, and Dr. Strangelove, was brought in to write a plausible backstory for Black Friday and Thanksgiving. The major stroke of genius on Southern's part was to ascribe the foundation of Black Friday as due to the retailers' realization that people would shop after Thanksgiving. Thus the focus of the holiday moved from the horrors and rampant consumerism of Black Friday to Thanksgiving. In order to facilitate the shifting of focus to Thanksgiving, a story of how the first American colonists sharing a feast with Native Americans was inked in history textbooks in order to link Thanksgiving with a general sense of Americana and goodwill. Domestication of turkey vultures in 1968 was due to a breakthrough by scientists at the University of Michigan in breeding turkey vultures that would eat grain. The new domesticated bird retained the size of turkey vultures, but became horribly obese due to its diet of grains. The new poultry product would lose the "vulture" name and become known simply as "turkey". The All-American origin and high profit margins of turkey made it the perfect mascot for Thanksgiving. The phrase, "in the black" was coined by President Ford in 1975 just to divert suspicion of the origin of Black Friday away from its dark roots. After the AFC-NFC merger, the newly formed NFL (the teams of which are owned wholly or in part by the same people that own the major retail store chains) staged football games on Thanksgiving to distract consumers even more from the horrors of Black Friday. All of this was done just to increase consumers' willingness to shop, spend money and fill the coffers of the retailers.

Now you know the truth behind Black Friday and Thanksgiving and the secret cabal of retailers that have rewritten American history to incite consumers to spend. Stay home on Black Friday and remember all the blood that it has shed in the name of profit.

-Dr. Nemus PhD.