New Year: 2010.

Happy New Year World!
I know I'm exactly 23 days late on this posting, but its been a pretty wild month and I'm still trying to wrap my head around the thoughts drifting around in my mind.

Being back in Delaware this past few weeks has been relaxing. Mostly because my professor doesn't expect alot out of us and theres no classes to take or to teach until Febuary. I feel like Delaware has become a second/third home (after Fremont and Irvine) to me now. I feel like I'm starting to get the hang of this place. Getting back here after vacationing is just like Cheers: a place where everybody knows your name.

I guess the first thought that 2010 conjures up in my mind is of the milestone that it represents: the ending of 2009 and the ending of the decade.

I think for me 2009 was a year of rejuvenation and healing in preparation for life after college. I started 2009 at home in Fremont, and applied to grad schools in winter. After winter quarter in Irvine, I graduated a quarter early and I decided to spend Spring in Irvine instead of returning home. There, I was able to spend alot of time on self-reflection and self-improvement. My severed relationships with my former roommates were healed, and the friendships I had made in Irvine were further strengthened. I received admission to grad school in chemistry at UDel, along with a TA-ship and a fellowship- which I accepted. I climbed (most of) Half-Dome: the exploits of which are chronicled here in my blog. My summer was sort of a grand farewell to California: I hung out with friends and family. I drove from Sacramento to San Diego in a span of two weekends for two of my sister's basketball tournaments. I packed up my things and drove across the United States to Delaware in August. I made new (probably lifelong) friends and spent many a night studying chemistry and instructing freshmen. For winter break, I returned to my ancestral roots in Hong Kong and rang in the New Year there. After which I visited my extended family in Taiwan. I am completely and utterly thankful for all the blessings I've received in 2009; much more than I think I deserve.

As for the 2000's, my prevailing thought is that ten years ago, I was a seventh-grader in junior high who was quite daft and naive. I had absolutely no clue where, or what I would be when 2010 came around. Now, ten years later, I have a clearer view of who and what I want to be in 2020, but the unknown is still there- and it excites me. I can be whoever and whatever I want to be: how many people can say that? I am proud of who I've become and I can't wait to see what the next decade has in store for me.

Which leads me into the second thought that I think about when 2010 crosses my mind: how do I become the man I want to be in 2011 and 2020?

After much reflection in my secret thinking spot, I turned off the shower and came up with a simple answer: have a plan and take a step everyday in that direction. All too soon this year and this decade will pass and if I don't pay attention to every single moment to which I can improve, it will all pass me by and I will regret it.

The present is truly a gift.

Which brings me to my New Year's resolution. Even though I recognize its my season in life to be single, I still feel I complain alot about my singleness. I'm reasonably assured that great love will eventually reveal itself in according to God's timing, and in recognition of this I have resolved to not complain about being single.
Other reasons to not complain:
1. It's just not attractive.
2. Being single is great!

So if I sound like I'm complaining about being single, feel free to kick me.

Until next time,
-David

What your TA really thinks of you.

This picture is proof that I am beloved by my students. Either that, or they've already learned that sucking up gets you everywhere in life. I hope thats what I taught them because that is an invaluable skill.

To understand what TA's are like, you have to understand the basic makeup of TA's*. We're one part college graduate, one part grad student, one part slacker and one part benevolent fairy godparent. The college graduate part means we're insufferably cocky- and why shouldn't we be? We hold bachelors (and some of us have masters) degrees and we're accepted into your school as a grad student. That makes us the upper part of the 17.47% of Americans to have simply graduated undergrad, and if we stick with the grad program to get our doctorate, we enter the top 1.12% of Americans to even do that. Anyways what this means is that we think we're better than you. Being a part grad student means we don't have lives outside of school. I mean seriously. We are either studying, doing research, TAing or sleeping. Some blogging occasionally breaks out while we're studying I guess. The slacker part of us is the part that regulates how much work we get done. When we're trying to get you out of lab quickly, its not because we like being efficient- its because then maybe we can get some free time. The benevolent fairy godparent part is the part of us that likes teaching you. But watch out if you cross us, because we will crush you.

As TA's we're continually bemused by our students. To us, you're kind of like pets. Fun to play with, but damn do we hate cleaning up after you- i.e. grading** or actually cleaning up whatever chemicals you manage to spill on yourself. We love it when you do the dumb stuff we tell you to do like this:

Oh students, you are so hilarious. However just amusing us will not earn you a good grade in our class. You have to be competent. The more competent you are, the less we have to pay attention to you, and the easier our job becomes. The more incompetent you are, the longer we have to stay and the more we have to babysit you. Of course if you're genuinely trying really hard, we respect that and generally try to accommodate you as much as possible.

I think what most TA's are looking for are younger versions of themselves. And since all TA's are pretty much alike I'll tell you what we think we were like***:

-Competent. We knew what we were doing about half the time. Rounded up, that makes it all the time.

-Easy-going. Because all the high-strung ones that thought they'd go to medical school burned out midway through junior year. Or went to medical school instead of grad school.

-Smart. Gotta have the brain power to understand.Otherwise you just simply won't cut it.

-Friendly to the TA. We learned the lesson of sucking up to higher authority, and look where it got us!

Lastly, it's just as awkward for us seeing you outside of class as it is for you to see us. Actually less awkward for us because we know we're better than you.

*Disclaimer: may only apply to UD grad students of the domestic variety.

**We hate grading.

***May vary from what we actually were like.

I Guess This is Growing Up.

You know what's interesting is that I finally feel like I am "really living life", even though all I do is grade papers, read textbooks, sit in lectures and take tests (so far, but in a couple weeks I'm required to make a decision about which research group I want to join; then I'll add mix chemicals in lab to the list). I put "really living life" in parenthesis because when I was younger I would watch movies and tv shows where the main characters interact with people (waitresses, detectives, private investigators) around their age category (pretty much anybody above 21 I grouped into the age category of "adult"), and they would have adventures and blow things up- that sort of deal. I guess growing up with parents whom I considered overbearing and controlling, I always fantasized about a time that I would be in control of my life and not have it dictated to me by my parents. I felt like once I had grown to this magical age, life would sort of pick itself up from the dull routine of school and homework, and turn into something exciting. Then I would really be living life.

What's really strange is that when I was young, my parents would tell me that childhood was the best part of life, and I would tell them that it sucks. Now that I'm older I think I understand. Childhood was largely idyllic and peaceful. Major events in life were buffered out by my parents. My cares were limited to the amount of chocolate allowed in my diet, getting bullied, and occasional visits to the doctors. Adulthood is fraught with larger worries: life and death and war and bills to pay. I feel like I began with a carefree heart where my biggest fears were of social faux pas- and now only at the tender age of 22 my heart has been petrified because of pain.

Pain. I guess that's what causes my soul to age. The ache of past rejections, misplaced expectations, unfulfilled promises, disappointment, heartbreak. The pang of injustice and unfairness. The grief of sickness and funerals. I think the worst part of this is that all these hurts are not unusual or extraordinary- they are normal and routine. We each operate within a tapestry of multiple afflictions and we're expected to perform despite of it.

I suppose theres an opposite to the premature aging of my soul: Joy.

Friendship.
The sharing of jokes.
Sharing of meals.
There is Joy in communion.

A hard day's work.
A few spoken words of praise.
Graduations.
There is Joy in recognition of accomplishment.

Weddings.
Promotions.
The birth of children.
There is Joy in celebration.

When I realize the severity of the human condition- I realize the necessity for Joy. Perhaps instead of petrification, my heart has been undergoing temperament. As a sword's edge becomes stronger through cycles of heating and cooling, my heart is becoming stronger through the complex interplay of Pain and Joy. I am learning to take Joy in everything I do.

So I guess childhood David was wrong. Growing older doesn't equate to growing up. Growing up was kind of a byproduct of just living. Taking Joy in the things I do: really living life.

Dear CJ.

You were always so beautiful, inside and out. I have to admit, back when I was a freshman and you were a sophomore, I had a small crush on you. Okay, maybe it was a big crush. We really weren't that close, but it was impossible to live within your orbit for three years and not be friends. I feel terrible that I cannot recall a single conversation we had (other than me telling you to start singing while I EQ'ed your voice during worship practices), and I don't even have a picture of me and you that doesn't include 20+ other people in it. But nonetheless we were family (you, me, and the 20+ other people in our pictures); our lives dedicated to the pursuit of Christ. My heart aches at the thought of you having struggled vainly, possibly alone, against the demons you must have been fighting. We should've been there with you.

I am comforted by the knowledge that you are in a place where there is no more suffering, no more sorrow, no more pain, and He will wipe away the tears from your eyes. I am reminded by your life that time is precious, and people are precious. Neither will stay. So from now on I guess we'll have to live harder to make up for your absence.

Hug a little bit harder.

Smile a little bit harder.

Laugh a little bit harder.

Sing a little bit harder.

and Love a little bit harder.

.. until we see you again.

-David.

Living the Dream is Hard Work.

Here is a picture I took when I arrived at school on Friday at a bleary 7:30ish am. I was at school for the 8am new student seminar, and I thought I'd get there early to watch NASA try to blow up the moon. Turns out I ended up missing the moon impact because I was talking to the professor I TA for. After watching the reruns, I hope the mooninites are impressed with the high level of whoopass we crashed on the moon, because it certainly was boring looking from our end.

So far, classes certainly are as hard as I thought they would be. It really is analogous to the jump in intensity from high school to undergrad. I feel like my brain is the sponge that isn't able to suck up all the water on the floor, so I have to use more than one sponge. .. thats not a great analogy, but I think you can see where I'm going with this. I can literally feel my brain get more wrinkled as lecture progresses. Staying on top of the material really is a full time part-time job. That said, I got an A on my first Physical Organic Chemistry midterm, and I'm really proud about it. Theres another one in about two weeks, so wish me luck on that.

I still haven't finished tracking down professors to discuss joining their research labs, but I'm planning on correcting that issue this week. Hopefully I can join a research lab where I really enjoy the research, and like working for the professor. The faculty really have been stressing this point; no matter how much you like the research, if you and your advisor don't get along, you will end up regretting it. I guess that goes to show that even in academia, personal relationships matter a great deal.

TAing for me has really been a breeze. A breeze that feels good until you knock out right afterwards because you've been TAing (and standing) for 9 hours out of a 15 hour day. 2-3 of the other hours is probably spent trying to stay awake in a one of two seminars. I have three Chem 103 lab sections to TA for on Wednesdays. Chem 103 is the non-Chemistry major, but science major chemistry course. Chem 106 is the chem major class, and Chem 101 is the non-science major chemistry class. The best stories come from the Chem 101 class because they literally know nothing about chem. nothing. nada. zip. ziltch. One of my friends had a girl come to lab with shorts on, and when my friend told her to leave and get pants to wear, the girl straight out refused. indignantly. If theres one thing everybody anywhere learns first, is that you have to wear pants to lab. ..if you are one of my students or a non-science person, you must remember this rule well. This rule is why I stopped wearing shorts and flip-flops to school. Overall, my kids have been pretty good so far; I'm reasonably sure they don't hate me, and I haven't had any attitude problems from any of them yet. If it weren't for having to grade their lab reports, I would say that TAing is entirely enjoyable. rewarding even.

Last weekend, we had to grade the first Chem 103 midterm, and I got an easy page to grade because I helped proctor the exam. The grading of exams breaks down like this: each TA gets assigned a page to grade over the weekend (or in some instances, half a page), and at the end of the weekend, you tally up the scores from each page for your sections, and record their grades.  It is absolutely mind-numbing to grade 800 of the same page over and over again. But then again, we are getting paid for it. The best part is reading the really ridiculous answers and writing them up on our office white board. Some of our favorites include Sn(BrO2)2= Tin Broxide (theres no such thing as "Broxide"), Ti= Timonium (Titanium), and a doodle of Spiderman shooting a web at an answer. One of the other TAs wrote "Touche, well played sir" on the Spidey doodle.

Truth be told, I'm having a pretty great time in grad school. I think alot of it has to do with my expectations coming in; I expected to be working hard and having no life outside of chemistry. I mean I cook, bike, wrench on my car, and watch tv, but really all I do all day is do things related to chemistry. Come to think of it, cooking should count as chemistry as well, but I digress. A bunch of people I know are getting burned out from the grind, and are seriously reconsidering grad school. I want to reiterate right now that grad school is tough. I've really begun to think that it takes massive willpower to get through these first two years... and probably the years after that too. I think the best preparation I've done for grad school is having really specific reasons for going to grad school in the first place. My advice to people applying to grad schools right now? Figure out why you're applying. Make sure its worth it. Because it is tough as heck, and only tougher if you have to keep asking yourself why you went to grad school.

Grad School.

Here you can see the MO diagram of cream of broccoli soup and a bread bowl as drawn by my friend Drew Ehle. The past two weeks I've been a grad student here at the University of Delaware and I'll just tell you now that its pretty different from undergrad. For one thing, school is more like work: kinda because we are in fact actually getting paid to go to school. I kind of feel that it has its pros and cons. A pro would be not having to pay for an education. A con would be you have to take it more seriously and its stressful (in an entirely novel way) because if you get lower than a 3.0 you go on academic probation and if you still don't get a 3.0, you become unemployed.

My friends and peers here are mostly an eclectic group of grad students collected from all across the Eastern Seaboard and parts of the Mid-West and alot of international students from China. I hang out more with the non-international students because I relate to them more. I guess if you wanted to know what its like, its like the only friends you have are the friends you made in your major in undergrad, so alot of jokes we have are chemistry-related, and we bitch and moan about professors/research/science. Its not bad. Not alot of asian-american culture around here though: I was compared to a merman (half-man, half-marmaid) because I look Chinese like the international students, but I speak perfect American English and throw out jokes and Will Ferrell references. I just take it in stride because I know who I am, and I know I don't fit into alot of peoples's categories. Something thats interesting though, is that international students can sense that I am not one of them, and never talk to me in Chinese. I don't know how I feel about that.

So far the stress level has been pretty manageable- one of my friends is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but thats really because she already has research to conduct and classes must feel like an unnecessary burden on top of having to produce results in research. But then again, she's not TAing so I guess shes just stressing out. I've been pretty on top of my game. And by game, I mean not being stressed about school. I've taken to understanding that short intense bursts of productivity are alot more beneficial than long hours slowly "multi-tasking" i.e. watching tv, listening to music, doing homework all at once. I pay attention in class and sit in the front row. Another thing that is different in grad school: there isn't really a stigma against sitting in the front of class. It's probably because the classes are so small; My largest class has like 15 students and my other class has like 7-10. I'm supposed to be taking a third class but its on a Monday and because of classes starting last Tuesday and having Monday off because of Labor Day, I haven't had that class yet. But the truth is that grad classes so far are comparable to the bump in intensity from high school to college (undergrad), so I really don't feel overwhelmed.

The place where I really make my bread is while I'm TAing Lab. I've managed (unfortunately) to get all three of the lab sections we're required to teach on Wednesday. So from 8-9am I have a seminar where professors explain their research, 9-12pm I teach a general chemistry lab (genchem to those in the know), 12:30-3:30pm I teach another genchem lab, then at 4-5:30pm theres a inorganic/organic seminar where another professor explains their research, and then finally from 7-10pm I teach my last genchem lab of the day. I know it sounds terrible, and its definitely a long day, but I think its pretty manageable. Plus I've been working at least 9 hours a week in the a genchem lab since sophomore year of undergrad when I started working in the stockroom.

Still don't have a research group yet; we don't pick those until November-ish, so I'm not typically in a lab doing science yet, but I don't mind because there will be plenty of time for that later. Whenever I have to do something I don't want to do, (like homework, wake up, or talk to professors-they're intimidating) I just tell myself "well, what else are we going to do today" just like in Yosemite, because thats what I came here to do.

Anyways, thats pretty much my life in a nutshell. Hope everything's going okay without me out in the world.

On The Raggedy Edge.

So here I am on the eve of grad school. I feel so alone and on-my-own. They mean the same thing, but alone has negative connotations and on-my-own has some positive meanings attached to it. I'm so nervous and yet so excited. Since my dad left this morning I've really completely been on my own. Let me share my day with you.

This is my apartment building. It's in an apartment complex called Studio Green, that caters primarily to students- kind of like VDC/VDCN at UCI. You can see my car and my door in this pic. Try to find them.

Congratulations, you've found my door! I get my own door, whereas other people have an outer door that leads to stairs and hallways of doors. Suckers. I only get one window though.
This is the view as I walked in after moving all my crap in.
Same View, except I built my desk and chair and hooked up all the electronics.
A rightward/downward view from the doorway as I moved in.
After I cleaned up all my crap and set up my bed. No bedframe yet because ikea didn't have them in stock.
Edit: 08.30.09 Now with bedframe, nightstand and shelving action! now I need a microwave.

Oops! Forgot to add these pictures in. Lets see if anyone notices.

I decided that when I wake up and take my morning showers, I wanted a color that would make me really awake. Hence the orange.

Here's the view from the doorway of my bathroom right after I moved in.

And here's the cleaned up shot.

Did all that in one day.

Still To Do:

-Sign up for classes

-Talk to HR

-Buy a Bike

-Lean how to TA

Journey To The East pt. 2

Day Four

Denver, CO to Omaha, NE

Some natural carwash action

In-Drive movie around Colorado

Crossing into Nebraska.

At the hotel in Nebraska.

Day Five

Omaha, NE to Chicago, IL
Crossing into Iowa.

Driving in Iowa. Really it was so boring, I took the time to take a picture of myself.

After crossing the Mississippi, you get to Illinois, and thats where the looneyness of East Coast highways starts.

Don't believe those alternate route signs. They lie.

Day Six

Chicago, IL to Pittsburgh, PA
Stuck in Chicago Traffic. Apparently the Expresslanes are a good idea.

So basically if you wanna get anywhere in a reasonable amount of time, you pay the state money.

If you've ever wondered what the instrument panel of a 09 wrx looks like at night, here you go!

Day Seven

Pittsburgh, PA to Newark, DE

Lets play a game: Jurassic Park or Pennsylvania? You win. It's Pennsylvania!

My Dad driving through Baltimore. That thing in the background is the Orioles' stadium.

Obligatory Artsy Shot.

Welcome to Delaware. Land of a thousand signs.

Journey To The East pt. 1

Day One

Fremont, CA to Reno, NV

Dad and Me starting off our trip; don't we look chipper?

Driving through the Sierra Nevadas; like driving on a Hot Wheels track.

Ha! Reno. Just the name conjures up images of hilarity.

Us after arriving in Reno

Day Two

Reno, NV to Salt Lake City, UT
Leaving Reno. Right before I got my first speeding ticket.

This is my one finger driving technique. Cruise control for the win.

Our best average mpg per tank of gas so far.

Bonneville: Where dreams of speed are made.

Day Three

Salt Lake City, UT to Denver, CO
Dad driving somewhere in Wyoming.

To my dismay, we discovered that Wyoming uses 91 octane like California. Weak.

Driving over the border into Colorado

Jacob and I in downtown Denver.

Space Machine.

If you are feeling David withdrawls, watch here to see where in the world I am.

To Go Boldly.

As the clock ticked down to 12:00am on July 1st, two things passed through through my mind: 1) the lease on our apartment in Newport Beach has officially ended, and 2) that I had embarked on a journey by myself that my friends are unable to travel with me on. It was bittersweet and at the same time strangely empowering. I guess in the past I feared having friends and community leave me, and strangely enough, the opposite has happened. But wherever there is loss, there is opportunity and I have traded my life for the last four years in return for the chance to pursue dreams. Like the man who chooses the mystery box over.. I don't know, a boat? I am choosing the possibility of possibilities over the security of what I already have. This is what explorers do! This is my dream.

I am going to miss alot of things though:

- In-N-Out: I hear for some reason they don't have it. wierd huh?

- Alertos: mexican food made by real mexicans!

- California Weather: Sunny skies everyday except that week of winter

- the Long Beach Grand Prix: all that carbon fiber and downforce!

- Newsong: Rockin worship and Dave Gibbons's sermons

- The Edge: Rockin worship, Abe's sermons and JJ Abrams plugs.

- My small group guys: late night eating/studying

- the Stockroom: dicking around with liquid nitro.

- Cute Asian Girls: literally everywhere at UCI

- Yogurtland: the original (to me) cheap fro-yo

- Paintballing: dno when I'll find time for it again.

- 2100 Bastia: I'll miss our long talks at night. and the golden cup.

- Borovik Research Group: learned so much about chemistry.

- the Sunday Night Stew: Hot tubbing at its best.

- The Hat: Pastrami on everything!

- Newport North: pretty much next door to everyone.

- Beach Bonfires: no more CDM for me.

I had a list that I lost in the move, and it was alot longer, so I know I'm missing things here.

I'll miss you, but dreams are meant to be pursued.

Death, Despair, and Adventure.

<- the more carabiners you have, the more awesome you are.

Well, our adventure started on monday, the 15th, when I drove from Irvine to Fremont. In Fremont, I met up with Dan Yuan and drove to Yosemite. We arrived in Yosemite Valley around 2am. After a short recon, we slept in the van and awoke at 6am on tuesday, the 16th to wait in line for a wilderness permit. Even by waking up at that ungodly hour, we were barely able to secure a permit for the 17th, camping beyond Little Yosemite Valley, the halfway point between Half Dome's peak and the trailhead in Yosemite Valley. Somehow, we got the idea that it wouldn't be so bad to dayhike the entire hike- about 7 miles each way. We grabbed water, first aid, some powerbars and two small flashlights, parked near the trailhead and set off around 11am singing disney songs. Since we didn't have anything better to do, we decided to take the long scenic route (the john muir trail) instead of the shorter terrible route (the mist trail).

More on how that is terrible later.

This was when we thought hiking was great ->

We arrived at Little Yosemite Valley around 2-3pm, and began to climb the trail to Half Dome. By this time, my left foot had

become numb, and my right hip and started hurting. But my mission was to plant my flag on the summit of Half Dome, and every person that complimented me on my flag just made me more determined to get to the top. We hiked above the treeline around 4-5pm, and started climbing on these rock steps cemented to the side of Half Dome. Along the way we met some cool guys named Peter and Will and we started hiking together as a group.

<- stupid rock

By this time, the sun that was out when we started was now hidden behind rain clouds and we could feel a small raindrop or two on our faces. We started worrying about thuderstorms and the granite rock face

becoming too slippery to walk on. Dan and I had brought along rigger's belts, carabiners and rope to clip ourselves to the cables while Peter and Will climbed the cables without safety equipment and made it to the top before we had made it halfway. As Dan and I were climbing, the rain became progressively worse and when I was a little more than halfway, a mere hundred yards or less from the top, it started pouring so bad the people on the peak were coming down. The situation was quickly becoming very dangerous. I turned around and sat on one of the planks and looked out at a view that was all at once majestic and dangerous, and my heart rose into my throat as I called it quits. I don't think I could have been more disappointed. The slow walk back down the cables was terrifying because the cables were wet and slippery, and the rock was wet and slippery. Dan practically slid the whole way down because his backside was the only thing that still had traction.

Even worse, I had pushed myself beyond my physical limits, and I had another 7 mile hike back. On the trail back to Little Yosemite Valley, my legs hurt so much that every step was agony. Two pills of Ibuprofen solved this problem, but by then Dan and I were the last people on the trail. Stone blocks from above are alot harder to see than stone blocks from below, and Dan and I began to realize we weren't on the right trail when we got below the treeline and the trail ran through a bunch of tree branches. and to make things worse, we then ran out of water in both our camelbacks. Luckily enough, we ran back into

the trail and saw scenery we had passed before.

Like this sign that said half

dome was only

2 miles away->

This wasn't the end of our troubles though. We were losing light fast, and so when we got to Little Yosemite Valley, we decided to take the Mist Trail back because it was shorter by one mile (according to the sign). Which in hindsight, was a bad idea because we weren't really familiar with the trail, and we got lost coming back on the Half Dome trail, which we had already hiked before. It turns out that the Mist trail was made entirely of stones that were cemented into place by monkeys. I mean they didn't even make steps! It was like a rockslide occured and the park decided that it would make a fine trail. By this point the Ibuprofen kicked in real well and Dan had found me a good sized walking stick, so I wasn't hurting as badly as before. The sun was dipping under the horizon, and so we broke out the flashlights. After climbing down, it became harder to see the stones and we found ourselves knee deep in undergrowth with no trail in sight. I suggested heading back towards the river, and Dan suggested we keep going straight down. We ended up going straight down, which was a good idea, because if we had walked in the direction of the river there would have been a good chance of falling in and then over a waterfall. After climbing over rocks, through moss and between fallen trees, we found a dirth path that looked like it was recently used. We followed it until we found the one bridge across the river on the Mist Trail. At this time we were overcome with relief that we had finally found our way back to a legitimate trail, because it had become really dark, and we were afraid we would become one of those "missing hikers" stories. After that, whenever we were looking for the next bit of trail or what direction to go, we would shine our flashlights on the ground and look for footprints. It was quite harrowing because now we were right next to the gushing river and we were essentially walking on giant slabs of rock. It was right about then as we began to lose all light from the sun that we prayed like drowing sailors for God to continue to watch over us. We then basically hiked about 4 miles of switch backs, up and down, using tiny flashlights that shown only 5-10 ft in front of us. After much hiking up many many many many uneven stone steps we finally got back to the place where the John Muir trail divered from the Mist trail. By this time I was so exhausted that the pain had subsided and I felt like a hiking robot. I had forgotten how dark it could become at night, and our crappy flashlights only barely let us see ahead, which then made me very paranoid, imagining that right next to me there could be a moutain lion or deer about to tackle me off the side of the cliff, or an axe wielding murderer, or something horribly scary which my imagination couldnt imagine. So we began to have one flashlight illuminating the path ahead and the other scaning the brush next to the trail making sure nothing was stalking us. We got so paranoid that a bear or mountain lion would sneak up on us, that when we got to a drinking fountain near the last bridge over the river right before the last last part of the trail, we drank one at a time, and even though the very last part of the trail was paved and seemed to be halfway civilized, we peered with our flashlights around every corner, straining our eyes to see the taletell glint of green animal eye reflections that would tell us something was there. We ended up not running into anything. I would have felt a little foolish, except that when we got back to the trailhead around 11pm-12am, we were walking to the car, flanked on both rides by human camps, and we heard some guy yelling at a bear that presumably was trying to get at their food. Even as civilized as Yosemite seems, its definately still very wild. When we finally walked back to the meadow we parked the van next to, we were greeted with the most amazing night sky I have ever seen framed by the valley walls. It was then that I breathed a word of thanks for getting back safe and sound. We grabbed some chow from the food we stored in the bear storage lockers, and even though my can of chili was cold, it was the best damn chili I have ever ate. We slept around 1-2am, woke up the next day, decided we were done hiking and booked it back to civilization.

^almost made it to the top of half dome

I guess disappointment is just another bitter fact of life, and what really matters in the end is how you deal with it. I keep thinking about this line from Rudyard Kipling's If- "If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster, and treat those two imposters just the same... ...you'll be a Man, my Son!"

until next time.

Commencing Now.

And like that, one journey has ended and another has begun.

Oh June.

I used to know a girl named June. But I'm really talking about the month of June- a time of change. I'm excited.

Legacies.

With banquet still fresh in my mind, I was struck by how much love was poured out onto us, the seniors. I was reminded of Edge Games and how inspite of all the competition, I felt alot of love there too. It gladdens my heart that the Edge has evolved and changed during the short time I've spent in it and that it will continue to evolve and change. I am glad that the Edge is a community based on and in love. I was reading the comments in the notebooks we recieved as senior gifts and it touched me that people remembered the times we loved on them, even though I vaguely remember doing some of them. I think that ultimately this is, and has always been, our legacy in the Edge. Not just the class of '09, but every class that has gone on before us. Just as the classes of '10, '11, and '12 are the recipients of our legacy, our class is the heir to legacies of classes before us. 

To understand what I mean by legacy, I'll share the legacies that I have recieved and that I will pass, am passing, and have passed on to you. For me, three individuals stand out for shaping my experience of community in the Edge and of whom I am heir to their legacy:

Ryan McGillivary was my leader sophomore year to whom I was core to. His spiritual walk influenced my life through some of the darkest times in my life yet and continues to influence my spiritual walk today. 

Jon Lai was my freshman small group leader who introduced me to Alertos Carne Asada Fries, Lovebombs, Sister Appreciation Nights, Winter Retreat, and Edge Banquets. His whole apartment (Wade Peng, Jon Lai, Jon Cheung, Jon Kwon, Daniel Bien, and Sam Chau) welcomed us into their apartment for movies, sleepovers and hanging out. 

And finally, Theodore (Ted) Ines, who I first met as a freshman at FX4 that was so cool as to bring me and my freshman year roommate Claim Jumpers Chicken Tenders (He worked there at the time) at my dorm (even though it was pretty darn awkward) and convinced me to go out to freshmen small groups. It was Ted who convinced me to become a part of the Edge. A year later when I was in the middle of Ochem ( winter quarter) and I was despairing that I wouldn't pass, Ted gave me words of encouragement that I don't remember, but lifted my despair from me, for which I am ever grateful.

I am the heir to their legacies and countless other people who have taught, encouraged or inspired me.

To the current Junior Class who have been our companions for the last three years: You'll inherit Senior Year. A time in which I have seen miracles happen: a fellowship that changed pastors and became stronger, relationships healed, life-long friendships. The prayers I prayed for the first three years of college, I've seen answered in this past year. I think that you will find your senior year to be as much of a blessing to you as it has been to me. It will pass by all-too-quickly, so remember to savor every last second of it, from the boring lectures sitting next to your friends, to the lazy days hanging out in the Student Center, to the sleepless nights spent working on papers or projects. 

To the current Sophomore Class who were in our freshmen small groups and for some reason think we're cool: You'll inherit us. By us, I mean everything we've passed on to you. You see, there is always a connection between classes two years apart. I don't know how it happens, but it's there. The people I learned from the most were two classes older than me, and the people they learned from the most were two classes older than them. Next year you'll be small group leaders, and bwam leaders and who knows what, and you'll begin to lay your own legacies for the future. I pray that whatever wisdom or lessons we were able to share with you will be enough to spur you on to even greater works of kindness and love. 

And finally, To the current Freshman Class: You will inherit our potential. When we were freshmen, we were envied because we had so much potential. Potential: espressing possibility.  I didn't really know what that meant at the time, but four years later, I understand. For the last four years we have been exploring our possibilities, going from small group members to small group cores to small group leaders, undergraduates to graduates. Our possibilities have been turned into realities, and so we leave the possibilities to you. Be whatever and whoever you want to be. More importantly, Be whatever and whoever He has called you to be. Seek Him out and you will find Him. Dream God-sized dreams. Live life, Laugh a little. Love the ones who come after you as much as we've loved you this past year.